I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
Randomize
