im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
