took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
