Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Randomize
