Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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