My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
We need a shit load of segways right now
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
