I will die if light touches me.
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
I don't deserve a penis
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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