You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
