i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
