There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
You may now shotgun with the bride
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
