hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
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