6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
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