That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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