from now on my penis is your penis
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Randomize
