A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
