Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Randomize
