how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
