i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize