3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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