I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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