On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
