The brown eye won't let me do that either.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Everything about him screamed your future.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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