thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
