Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
