Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
