Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
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