i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
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