I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
