Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
Randomize
