Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
