my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
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