you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
