apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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