Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
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