I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
