i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
