I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
drinking out of a sandbucket again
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
