From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
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