dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
wakey wakey hands off snakey
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
