the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
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