I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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