Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
