I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
