AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
So squirting runs in the family.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
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