The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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