i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
