New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
