I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
