I am puke
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize