I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
I know her cup size but not her name....
Randomize
