I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
