You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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