My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
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