Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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