how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
Randomize
