What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Randomize
