you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
