So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Randomize
