In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Randomize
