We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
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